Field Notes January 12 & 13, 2015


Things still aren’t settled.  Why did I think they would be? An unconscious assumption carried around for decades. Then, you finally notice, oh, have I held this thought, this story, this belief all these years? This idea that once something happens, there is some sense of closure.
You’re hungry, you eat, you are full. You work, you get paid. You attend college, you get a degree.
You get the picture.

And now, nothing feels final. Everything feels wide open. Four days from now is too far out in the future to make plans.
Will I still be around? I don’t think it’s so much that I don’t think I’ll still be alive, it’s more like, thinking about the future, takes me out of the present. And, for a few months now, I’m feeling that I can’t be any place but…
Maybe it’s that I’m holding too tightly to this present moment? It’s one thing to be present, to be mindful, to “show up” for your life.
But, perhaps, it’s just another layer of grasping, craving, holding on, not wanting things to change.
Wanting to feel some sense of grounding.
There is no ground.

Pema says, “…Coming up with a formula won’t work. You don’t know what’s going to help, but all the same, you need to speak and act with clarity and decisiveness. Clarity and decisiveness come from the willingness to slow down, to listen to and look at what’s happening. They come from opening your heart and not running away.”

I can be present, and in the next moment, be present for that next moment. I am a dynamic creature.
Nothing stagnant.

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